The one with the breast clinic

So today I went to the breast clinic. Some background needed as I’m only 28 with no family history of breast cancer. I’ve been having chronic infections on my breasts for 2.5 years. It’s been a mystery and a lot of antibiotics have been taken. I was referred to the breast clinic to make sure […]

How To Take a Good Rest

Hello all, I thought I’d share my tips on resting. I’m terrible at it usually, I have bad bouts of insomnia and find it hard to sit still even when I’m not well. The hum of amxiety has always been there since I was a child. Sitting myself with my thoughts is something I’m afraid […]

A typical night with chronic pain and BPD

It’s 2:23am I have just applied biofreeze gel to my joints as they feel like they’re scraping together even though I’m lying still. I’ve got myself a glass of water as I’m constantly thirsty due to medication side effects. I ran out of any sleeping tablets last night and I know I cannot rely on […]

What is happiness?

I have a lot of spare time to fill due being off work and mostly housebound. One of my favourite discoveries is audiobooks. For a long time my concentration has been too poor to focus on reading. I end up reading sentences over and over and find it distressing. Then along came audiobooks, someone to […]

Goodbye always makes my throat hurt

Today I recieved the news, my neighbour of nearly 26 years who I had known since I was 3 years old had died. She had been in out of hospital and I’m struggling to picture clearly the last moment I saw her. She always had such a kind smile. I have never been good with […]

I can never get clean

Last night I felt so depressed. I took a shower and sat down for over half an hour scrubbing at myself. Letting the warm water rain over me. Desperately trying to feel clean, my skin was flushed and pink by the time I finished. I’ve taken a few of these showers in my life. They’re […]

I can’t understand why you don’t love yourself…

My partner said to me last night. I can’t understand why you don’t fancy yourself? I find you so attractive. My self esteem has never been great. It started with my speech therapy when I was little. I was in a special needs nursery and my voice always got me bullied. It’s funny now as […]

Finding answers

I wanted to share some good news, my mum has offered to pay for a private consultation to see the Neurologist I’m due to see on the NHS in 6 weeks. The private appointment is a week tomorrow. Since my TIA (mini stroke) on the 14th December 2018 I haven’t felt myself. I am in […]

Somebody stole my body one night

Somebody stole my body one night You crept in so quietly I hardly heard your steps The pain and paralysis suddenly shooting through me I awoke the next day to find you gone I prayed for my body to return I hold you close but I know you are not mine I graze your skin […]

Intimacy, Chronic Pain and BPD

I’m not exceptionally shy But I’ve never had a man That I could look straight in the eye And tell my secret plans… The Dresden Dolls ‘The Perfect Fit’ I feel these lyrics accurately describe my issues with intimacy. I recommend listening to the song, Amanda Palmer has always felt like a kindred spirit. Intimacy […]